Poem

I am just sitting still
So muxh to do.
So little time.
I have plans
I have visions
I'm just in pain
Zapped of everything.
I have nothing to distract
But no energy is here
Depression is a scary thing
I'm frightened and struggling.
Just a step
One tiny step
I want to succeed
I want to fly.
Make a vision come alive

Poem

You haven't realized that I'm standing close to an edge
A bloody edge, where if nudged a step more to the side
Existence will cease
Breath in this body is possible with struggle
Where did all the air go?
I'm afraid
Wishing there was enough air to scream
All there is is silence
A throat which feels tight from constrictions
Can not make a sound
Trembling in this form
A paper hits paper and it finally stops
A final goodbye
Scribbled for hours
Not sure where to place it
Just put it anywhere it'll be found
Try to get enough air for the final act
Scooch closer to the edge
The bloody edge
A little more and you're there
A little more and I'm there.
Closing my eyes
I don't wanna look down
A call cries out.
Not mine.
Take a step back
Opening the phone to see your name
A bitter sweet smile grace my lips
What kind of physic are

Poem

What were you expecting?
That I would go to my knees
Just like that?
Did I sneeze?
Man you're some kind of sleaze.
I should have never come.
I should have waited
Looked a little more
But a shiny new penny doesn't always blink.
We only give so little time to think
Jump in before you sink
Well I jumped on a boat.
I met tons here and there
Awesome people sure
But the bill isn't worth this.
We're swimming in debt
How many times have I been sent to the internet?
5. 6. 100 or so? Take a bet.
Sucking me dry.
My will. My mind.
Am I just some doll that's supposed to go through the factory?
I don't feel secure.
Take my advice, just stay home.
You can learn everything from the internet and books.
I mean just take a look.
So many other people are doing what I wanna do and they're all self taught much like me.
This isn't worth it.
It's awful.
Just learn elsewhere.

poem

Is college worth it?

All my life I was told it you wanted to succeed

college of what you need

well here I am, 3 years in, and the realization is bold

but college wasn't needed

I know of too many people who are famous because they just created what they wanted

they taught themselves like I had before

but I decided to come here

I could have learned all of this at home on my own

I'm even teaching myself a new program

because the teacher told me I needed to learn it

but instead of teaching it to me,

he sent me to watch tutorials

a thing I could do without college.

it's so infuriating

if I'm ever asked about college,

I'll be blunt and cold

you can learn it all from the internet and never have to pay a fee

you can share your work for all the world to see

you don't need a fancy college degree

all it is a debt you'll forever see

I often gage nightmares that I'll die in debt because of this decision

but I'm already three years in and dammit I'll take that paper

I'm already going to be in debt anyway right?

 

 

poem

Grey eyes stare out

tired yet restless

I'm so annoyed

all you did was have me watch tutorial videos

a thing I could easily do at home

why did I even come to college?

it just feels like a waste of my time

the words I want to scream aren't right

but I have a lot and then some

to yell, to write, put it in a verse

nothing will rhyme anyway.

oh my headache

I hope I'll you never again.

I just want to get my degree and leave

poem

I was here for you to see

I have so many questions.

I'm just pretending

will you please look at me?

wires. Wires. I'm covered in wires.

there's something bad inside.

but you'll help me right?

destroy the bad and keep the good.

just take this chip and put it in your phone.

I'll be here to guide you out.

don't worry, I'm not pretending now.

follow my instructions closely now.

poem

The edge was where I had been

there were tears left uncried

my body and spirit weak

it still is...

a broken cord, frayed by all the tugging

the broken doll

no wonder all the stories were so sad

we project.

i interjected myself into the plot

my life...

i wanted it to end.

for how long?

i can't say.

i wanted the bullies to go away.

the pain to stop.

the loneliness to leave

replace it with something else

i don't know what.

the sun sets differently now

the world's so vast and large still

yet where did this feeling come from

stay for who?

i was a lost child.

you could throw me away

and i would be fine with that

yet where did these feelings come from?

trudging through was a chore.

knifes would hurt.

i don't like pain.

i don't want anymore pain.

fire would hurt too.

water.

where to find it deep enough?

how to get there?

how long would it take?

i thought plans.

i made routes.

but alas, i chose to trudge through.

too troublesome to drown

how long would it take to me?

I don't want them looking long.

not when I'm in my ideal place.

they can have the flesh.

I won't be inside

a better, more idealistic place

that's where I'll be.

poem

"Do you have a passion for this anymore?"

"I hate to see you waste your money."

but I'm trudging forward none the less.

I will succeed in having the paper that says I finished.

it's just it seems what I have to say isn't reaching you right

I am the type to always have a project

there they are, stacked up on the tables

so many projects to create

I feel like in don't belong now.

things I had previously been told seem to be wrong

I just want to create what I want

but there seem to be so many things

so many little hoops to jump through

I'm just standing on the mat

I don't regret my choices.

I can't change the past

but I'm sick and tired

of being told to hold off

maybe something else when there's already so much piled up

poem

What do you feel?

looking at the the mirrors

you can cover up to prying eyes

but what's on the outside isn't always what's on the inside.

did your mask fit so perfectly?

it looks like you're scared.

it's feeling lose.

can they see?

can they tell it's a facade?

bite your lip and get the glue

you'll reshape the mask and cover up the cracks

random poem

I felt my heart racing

I know your thumbs aching

click clack. Click clack.

the sounds just getting louder.

join me. Join us.

we came here to have fun.

we're just having fun.

cursing at the screen.

better apply the aloe to the burns.

Poem

Are you wanting me to be

something I'm not?

I have no problem selling my body

it's this soul of mine

Not even sure if I have one

but the rage says it's there

anger was born inside

growing tired of the bs

I'm wondering if you're even worth it

are you worth my time?

I'm suppose to pay so much back

I thought it was worth it

but 3 years later and complications

I don't think this is worth me

I don't think I wanna be here.

new friends, found love, I've grown so much personally,

which I'm grateful but still...

is this the way I need to go?

can I support myself with what I've learned here?

I'm doubting so much.

I'm tired again

too much bs

I'm bored of it

just put it in the toilet and flick the knob

Poem 9/1

I'm going nuts

raging against it

these iron bars

holding me in

the factors were simple

Kiss was applied

Keep

It

Simple

Stupid

this phrase I've memorized

I'm sticking to it.

don't reject me for doing it so quick

no need to over think

it's been kept simple

we even went a little beyond

don't tell me it's wrong

I did as asked

Keep It Simple Stupid

is what we applied and now it's done

no need for all this busy work

you haven't even graded the stuff we did before.

so now I'm wondering what the grade is

and the longer I wait, the less I care

poem

I had tears

I had fears

all so consuming

I waded through.

trying to catch my breath.

this velvet dress just got heavier and heavier with each step

my heart aches

my throat is rash

it feels like it's closing with every thought

every memory brings more pressure

I can't breathe

I can't form the words

I've lost the ability to talk again

so where am I now?

the fears. The tears

they're still here

and so am I.

where's the shore?

cold, alone, hungry

where's the shore?

maybe I'll reach it soon

Spoken Word Poetry?

I'm thinking of doing some spoken word poetry. I was wondering if anyone would be interested in listening/watching them?
I'll probably post them to YouTube and share them here.
But I'm not sure if it's something I should do.
I'm not sure if I want to film myself reciting them. Or if I make kind of a lyric video of them. I'm still on the fence about a lot of things right now. I've been thinking about it for a few months though. I'm just not sure yet and wanted to know what you all think of it?

Divorce

Divorce

By Krissie Gault

“I am sorry you had to deal with that.”

You say in the midst of the conversation

I give a small smile.

I don’t know if you see it;

I don’t care if you do, but inside, I’m thinking,

“Why are you sorry?

You had nothing to do with what happened to me.

You were not a factor when my parents were screaming.

When my mother yelled like a banshee and my father drank.

I was 11 and naïve.

I hid away in my room.

Curled up in yarn, surrounded by dolls,

I created plays - their fights outside

Tuning into a low hum almost like a lullaby.

Why are you sorry?

I cheered at the divorce.

I didn’t understand the word at first,

But I understood what it meant to break up.

I understood what it meant to separate.

For at school, I was separated from the others

Because I was ahead in math by a grade

And behind when it came to English.

Strange now that I write for a living

And I’ve no care for numbers much.

But a child knows separation.

To be moved from one classroom to another

In the middle of the day

And only in 2nd grade when you’ve never been in public school before.

Yes. I knew separation.

And I understood it well.

And while I didn’t understand divorce at the time,

I understood enough.

Mommy and daddy are separating.

They’ll no longer be together.

That’s all I needed.

All I needed to cheer.

To smile and feel the relief.

Because at 11, hiding away, quiet as a mouse,

I felt the acid.

The bomb and the idea that home may one day no longer be there when I got off the bus.

To me, divorce was a ray of sunshine

Coming from the sky, singing angel’s songs

And I cheered.

Cheered that I’ll no longer here the lullaby of screams

Wondering why the banshee is screaming

The sloppy stomping of an electrician’s boots on the floor

Going to a room to watch a game,

The arguments continuing till the morning and repeating.

To me, divorce was an end.

A freedom and release.

And you are sorry.

Sorry for what?

You, my beloved aunt, view divorce as bad

You’ve been through it before

Your parents called you in one by one

“Who do you want to live with?” They asked.

And you, the youngest, was last.

Your brothers crying and you confused.

You were about the same age I was.

To be asked on Christmas Eve

I’ll never understand that pain.

That pain is yours.

But I want you to understand,

It’s not your fault.

You have no reason to say, “I’m sorry.”

You have no need to be sorry.

You have done no wrong.

We have both dealt with our parents’ divorce.

And while divorce has left a bad taste in you,

It gave me relief.

You cried. I cheered.

I loved both my parents now

With all their virtues and flaws.

But if there is one thing I can not stand

It is people saying, “I’m sorry,” for things they have no need being sorry for.

You’ve no need being sorry for the things I cheer for.

I love you and sympathize with your feelings of divorce

But there is no need tell me “I’m sorry”

There is no need for that.

I cheered.

I will continue to cheer for all time for that divorce.

And for that, there is no need for you or anyone to say, “I’m sorry.” 

Uniform

Uniform

I used to trust the one in uniform

The one who in all the kids’ books are the good guys

That happy jolly guy with a cup of coffee and a donut

That is how I saw that uniform at age 5

But now I see different [with different eyes]

My eyes have been stabled opened

And with each shocking revelation after revelation,

My eyes grow wider

Shocked and appalled

And then I see the faces of all the blood

The innocent blood that stains those uniforms

The brothers, the sons, the fathers,

The sisters, the daughters, the mothers,

The cousins and the friends

The ray of sunshine in someone’s life

And still the uniform lies

Trying to take up for their own

Fearing for their lives against the unarmed child

Barely an adult in this world.

The uniforms have the gun

Yet so paranoid of the everyday person.

“The citizens are the enemy.” Is that your philosophy?

How fucked up considering your job is to protect us!

I hear the system of the uniform is broken.

But this isn’t broken.

Broken means you lack the ability to function.

This is corruption.

For the uniform still functions and still stains innocent red on the uniform.

A uniform meant for so much more and far greater dignity.

The uniform should be a symbol

Of the bravery to do what’s right

Of the courage to uphold the truth

Of the high morals and common sense that we can look up to and respect.

But it seems the uniform can’t see beyond colors.

For if your skin is anything other than a creamy peach,

You’re 5 times as likely to be their target.

To be more innocent blood staining the uniform,

With your name on a memorial plaque.

And to still not have any justice or change after a year,

To have those left behind crying.

For justice and change may never come

And still none of our lawmakers want to stand up and address the problem.

They’re all busy arguing and throwing fits

This really is the land of confusion.

But in 1986, Genesis said their generation would put it right.

Maybe it hasn’t been long enough or maybe it’s been too long.

But we need to make more strides.

Reach for the impossible and make the impossible real.

Martin Luther started it when he pinned that note on the church door.

King Jr. marched a peaceful march, preaching of a dream.

And who are we?

Will we huddle up in fear of a uniform?

Or will we finally all stand together?

Cry to the sky that enough is enough,

Demanding change, because it’s long overdue,

Because this nation was supposed to be built for its people by its people

And if enough of us demand it, they have to give it.

Because what so many of the uniforms don’t see

Is that from the blackest brown to the whitest peach,

We’re all a variation of orange

And We stand together in the same section of that giant pack of Crayola crayons.

Horrible Day

Horrible Day

I feel myself chocking

Is it my spit? My heart? Or my tonsils?

I’m not sure which.

I’m just upset.

And I could pinpoint all the reasons

But when I do,

I look at them and go

“Am I really having all these 1st world problems?

Are they even that important?

Is this something I should really be upset about?”

Should I draw back my tears

Tell myself I’m being stupid

I woke up to a morning of promise

But something told me no

No promises await you today

So I tried to rationalize

“So an okay day then?”

A question I tried to swallow and make true

But no.

No okay.

No promises.

No good.

The feeling grows stronger and stronger with each second.

Telling me No.

Confirming for me the truth I secretly knew

Today will be a horrible day.

[][][][

poem

I want to watch the world burn

I want to close my eyes

 And never open them again

I want to lay in bed

Until the century ends

Maybe longer if I can

But it won’t allow it

I want to sleep

I’m running

So fast my lungs

My muscles ache

I don’t want to be here

I’m done

My brain is checking out

I know I wake up early,

But I don’t want to travel at 7.

I want to just dream

I want to just think.

I don’t want to work on this drawing

It will mean nothing to me later

It will mean nothing to you later too

So why am I working so hard?

Does it really matter?

I used to think school was so important,

But then I graduated and realized it wasn’t.

You all just seem to love to pressure me.

I’m done.

I’m tired.

I want to watch the world burn

As I scream in the wreckage

Of what I’ve caused

You can’t find me.

You can’t hold me.

You can’t stop my feelings

They’re raging

Like some wild beast

I’m done.

I’m so done and over with it all

I want to work on my projects

Ones that matter

Ones that I feel will actually improve me

I’m so done doing things that won’t matter.

Things that don’t matter at all to me.

I’m so done with that.

My heart is beating fast.

My brain is rushing so many places

I can’t keep up

But I don’t have to the time to catch up

Because I’m always working on your work.

I’m done

Give me something I love.

Give me something I enjoy.

Let me work on my own things

My own projects

Maybe I live in my own little world

Maybe I’m just delusional.

Maybe I just want to light myself on fire and watch myself burn.

Poem about my favorite animal

May 3, 2015

Theme: Write a poem about your favorite person, place or animal.

Lazy under the sun

Happy but aloof

So sweet

So cute

Yet you have a secret side

You can be vicious when you want.

You are fierce

You amaze me

How can you be so sweet and mean at the same time?

You a strange creature, but I love you

You’re your own person

You don’t need me all the time

But when you do,

You let me know.

You’re sweet but not needy

And I love that.

That is what I wish to be

Maybe that is why

I am a cat person

[][][][]

Krissie Reads Ep15

Welcome back! Today I read Masks by Shel Silverstein
read the poem here: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/366269382172174149/