I find my depression a scary thing. Like here it is. Rearing its ugly head again. Telling me, “Hey, what’s the point of this? Why bother?” These words are scary. Disheartening. Like is there a point in me trying? Should I keep going? I just... feel bad. Lost. Alone.
Perhaps writing this thoughts into a void will ease that pain. Make my eyes feel less heavy from tears I don't want to shed.
This project is dead in the water.
I know that. I just haven't come to terms with it yet. I want it to still have a small candle left for them when they return. A bit of warmth for when they come through that door like nothing ever happened going, "Let's do this thing!"
How does one mourn the loss of someone still very much breathing?
I miss the vibrance of them. The spark of life and extrovert personality that they seemed to show me. But at the same time... Where they real? Or were those just emotions they put on as a front to show us they were 'fine'.
I just to feel like they were a super hero. They could do anything and surely as they grew they would. I often felt like the blue one in that shadow of radiant sun. But here we are. Very different from before.
You suffer fools who you love. But you voice your frustrations to me about every lie they tell you. Every promise I hear about them breaking. Every awkward argument you have in my presence when I visit. Me glancing at my phone, trying to be secretive about texting a friend to give me an excuse so I can leave this tense atmosphere.
I wonder and question. How is that love? How can you justify staying when it seems like 90% of your convos with me seem to be upset with your relationship? Is that other 10% so good?
It must be.
I just don't see it.
Maybe my understanding of love is too different from yours. I've grown tired of being hurt over the years. Tired of the disappointment. Hell, most of the time I am tired of life. I have no real plans. Thoughts of how I would like to go. But can I really go?
Do they have money to cremate or bury me? Will they be okay?
Originally I didn't want to see others sad over me. How would mom remember to eat? She can barely do that now with me coming home and making a sandwich for her after school. As the years gone by, taking care of others has been forced into my lap and so those every time I am too tired with life, I have to keep going. Who else will take care of X, Y, and Z if not me? Who will they borrow that 20 sum dollars from to pay that important bill? Who will buy Christmas for those kids since I know their parents are struggling and might not be able to afford it? Who will call in to reorder that prescription they need to renew? Who will do all the boring but needs to be done paper work?
It feels like it's all fallen to my lap to be done. So how can I go just because I'm too tired to stay? Plus what is even on the other side of the end? Is it heaven? Another life? Is it just watching everyone on this plan but being unseen? Is it just dark? Nothingness that just goes on like an eerie dream?
Where would I place my body anyway? I have no dental records so it would best if it was found quickly. But not so quick that they could bring me back.
Who would find my body? I don't want it to be a relative or some random civilian. An emergency worker like Search and rescue, EMTs, Fire Fighter, or an officer of sorts would be preferred. They have seen many a body. They won't be tormented to see a corpse. They're used to it.
Odd how this started from mixed feelings of me being the one carrying on a project they have abandoned and left me as the only going to my own intrusive thoughts of suicide. Perhaps I should get high off a gummy, drink, and distract myself until I am merry.
