PMS

 I feel horrible. I can't get comfortable. For a first time in a while, I don't have painful cramps. But I feel like I'm a leaky faucet. I can feel the blood leaking out from me. Like why is my body like this? Why am I unable to sleep? Why do I not feel any energy to do anything? Why can't I get comfortable?

I locked myself in the bathroom today. Filled the bathtub with water so hot, it shocked my system and felt like it was burning me. I began crying and knew I didn't want to be found by my fiance that way. I love him and I don't want him to worry. I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

Since 2006, I have had issues while on my period. I experience a sharp pain on one side of my body where I believe my ovary is. It is typically in my left side though sometimes it moves to my right. I normally have a heavy, chunky flow. I remember seeing blobs of blood the size of a small slug on my pad.

When I got on birth control, the blood flow got lighter and more manageable. The pain wasn't as bad as it was before. However, that only lasted a year. While my flow isn't as heavy as before, the pain has returned. It is like when it first started. The same pain on one side of my body, usually the left. 

I went to see a doctor at Planned Parenthood. They told me my uterus was shaped like a bull's head. It was apparently rare. It could lead to a baby being developed out of the uterus. I don't remember the proper name of it. However, when I went to another OBGYN through Kaiser, I was told my uterus was normally shaped. They couldn't find anything. There have been no answers. There have been theories, but no actual answers. 

I worry. Because the pain becomes so great that I want to cut out my uterus. I feel like I want to die just to make it stop. Not just the pain, the uncomfortableness and the feeling of myself just leaking. 

I want answers. I want to know why it seems like my body and brain are against me. Especially during my cycle. But at the same time. I went to the doctor so many times in search of answers, my bosses complained that I was out too often to visit the doctor. I can't really afford the doctor visits either. 

I'm just... in some kind of limbo right. I don't want to feel the way I do. I don't want to have the thoughts that I'm currently having. I want answers, but I can't really afford to go get those answers either. And so I'm in this cycle of pain, suicidal thoughts, wanting answers but unable to go get them and still afford to to pay my bills. It feels like I'm in a lose - lose situation.